I’ve Been Anxious (Chan Moved In!)

I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing.  I have so much that I want to tell you about my experiences with autism.  But I can never pull myself together enough to write the words.  I have the best of intentions, I promise, however my ability to get myself together to share the intimate details of my life have proved more exhausting that I could have imagined.

So let’s start again with what’s relevant in my life right now.

Chandler moved in!

Yes, yes I know what you’re thinking… “I thought having Autism prevented you from having deep connections with other people?!”  The answer is no, it doesn’t.  It has made it tricky, but as I’ve stated before, my relationship with Chandler has proved to be healthy.  If anything, I have flourished because of his patience and love.

We’re 10 days into living together.  And I love him, but it’s definitely been a bit of a change for me.

You see, the trouble with Autism/Asperger’s is that I suffer from severe anxiety when it comes to change.  When I moved to Atlanta, I struggled for months with adjustment and just as I started to normalize out… helllloooooo roommate!

Now, I wouldn’t change any of it, but that doesn’t mean adjustment doesn’t come without difficulties and anxiety.  Which I suppose, for any two people who are moving into together, a little bit of anxiety is to be expected.

But for me, anxiety and adjustment is crippling.  Or, rather, it can be.  And it definitely has been, but fortunately for our relationship, there hasn’t been a single moment that Chandler hasn’t made easier for me by listening, and always asking me about my needs and wants.

It’s interesting to think about my life when it comes to the topic of change.  I have for all of my life, been attracted to the idea of it.  Traveling, adventure… it’s all romantic in that “I like it from far far faaaaaaar away but I hope and pray to God almighty that I never have to change anything!” because for those who know me, know that I am not a pretty personality when it comes to any sort of gray area.

So, how have I managed so far?

Well, at first, I rebelled… in my mind.  I told myself things like “I got this.  It’s totally cool”  “Yeah, I’m gonna be just fine!”  “I’m gonna go out and do all the things!”  “Socializing?  Making friends?  I got this!”

And then my body shut down.  First, I was tired all the time.  I played it off like “oh, well, I just went from pacific time to eastern time so I just gotta let myself adjust.”  But after a month of sleeping during every free moment possible, I realized “Nope.”  Or rather my doctor told me “Nope.”  Followed by a speech about her concern surrounding my adjustment to a big change, following several other big changes in my life.

Then, after the rebellion came the over-emotional period.  Crying.  Depression.  Anxiety.

Then, came the realization that I did something incredible by moving across the country.  For a job.  Far far far away from anyone I knew.  I felt proud!

And then I felt lonely.  I’d ramp myself up to go out to places and meet people.  I’d go to churches, and not connect with a single soul.

And that made my anxiety 10x’s worse!  So, I’d hide at home.  Play games.  Read books.  Work out at the gym so long as no one else was there.

Then, I finally made a few friends.

And then I realized, I was struggling to socialize.

So, after a follow up with my Doctor, we decided it was time for me to get a new behaviorist, and so now I’m just waiting for my insurance to approve the woman that I would like to work with.

My life right now is in a constant flux of change.

And so to sum it all up, I’m sorry that I haven’t been writing.  I exhausted myself after writing my huge article, while I was struggling to adjust to my new life, new home, new job, new friends…. and when I’d sit down to write, I’d start crying because I didn’t want anybody to know that I was having a difficult time.

I really don’t have it all together.

But damn it to hell, you can bet your cute bottom that I’m gonna keep trying and doing my best.

I’ll write again very soon!

Love you all, thanks for checking in on me regularly.

Jess, out!

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